30 August 2005 (Tuesday)
dads in delivery, part two
Today the New York Times published letters in response to the article I blogged about last week. Some selections (not necessarily quoted in their entirety) and my comments:
My husband and I took the birthing classes at Lenox Hill Hospital 40 years ago.My husband was given a certificate allowing him to participate in the delivery room, even though he had chickened out of the course before completion. (A man who had spent seven years in graduate school!)
He admitted he did not want to be there. I told him I understood, as I didn't want to be there either! We had no problems with recriminations or lack or warmth then or after the birth of our two other children or ever.
Anita Kaufman
Scarsdale, N.Y.
Well, was he there or not? I presume you were. As he shared your feelings about being present, did he also share your actual act of being present, or did you give him a pass out of the room? This letter takes on a completely different meaning if the husband was there despite his wishes.
As an anthropologist studying birthing fathers in the United States and around the world, I have found that no other society expects new fathers to set aside their own emotions to be neutral labor coaches and delivery attendants.American dads benefit from sharing this life-changing experience with mothers, but both need support and reassurance through the process.
Richard Reed
San Antonio
The writer is a professor of anthropology at Trinity University and the author of "Birthing Fathers."
This is actually what I was trying to get at last week. Men and women - not the exaact same kind of creature. One is not better or worse than the other, but they are not the same, and are not built to handle the same situations in the same ways. The mother's body produces hormones to help her handle the pain, and hormones to produce a sense of euphoria immediately after birth (and forget the pain somewhat). The father has no such biological support.
My womb has not yet been blessed, but I know that when it is, I will be happy to sacrifice the menial assistance or support my husband might provide for the essential, long-lasting reward of maintaining his innocent conviction that my vagina is made of diamonds.Carrie Lebigre
New York
No comment necessary.
I've heard that you're supposed to have those hormones that make you forget. but I think my body forgot to make those (this from the woman who twice had early epidurals, got nowhere in labor, and ended up with C-sections). Anyone reading this who's given birth feel like they forgot anything? (though maybe it's really dumb to ask people if they can remember forgetting something).
PS. I don't mean to scare anyone off here. I went through this a 2nd time because I adored my first baby so much. but it took awhile :-)
I want to write fan mail to that last woman.
(Men are special, delicate creatures, but if one of them knocks me up he so gets to help deal with the consequences. And I can't help wondering what this debate would sound like if the operative event were not "husband in L&D" but "husband caring for infant at least three days a week.")
Nah, I can't remember forgetting anything . . . maybe I just forgot that too?
Seriously, the reality is that even the memory of excrutiating physical pain (like going through transition *while* getting the epidural that didn't take anyway) eventually fades. . . you know; out of sight, out of mind and all that?
But I told my husband he didn't get a choice about being in the room. If I was going through it, and he was responsible, he was going to be there!
After the first four, the details like birth weight got fuzzy...
But no, not really.
Shanna, what about the woman who thought couples don't have "great sex" for the "first few days" after childbirth? Um, from what I understand (niddah issues aside), women are not supposed to be engaging in sex, great or otherwise, immediately after childbirth. I was impressed by the vocal response to that article. I especially liked the last letter, in which the writer suggested that the fathers entertain themselves at gentleman's clubs during childbirth.
Right, that was amusing too. What they tell you in the hospital is "nothing in the vagina" (including tampons) for "4-6 weeks." So, umm, yeah, no "great sex" for a little while after childbirth, not just "due to exhaustion!"
