devarim

I opted into this meme from Stella's blog (on the earlier April 28 entry). She asked me five questions that I have to answer on my blog; the first five people who request it (either in the comments to this post, or via email) will receive five questions each from me, which they must then respond to on their own blogs. And so on. (It only took me two weeks of on-and-off writing to get around to finishing my answers, too.) Anyway, Stella's questions and my responses...

1. I'm genuinely curious about the many religious restrictions you voluntarily follow. How about an example or two, and why you believe following that restriction is good?

This is a tricky question, because I don't choose to follow or not follow each individual restriction (or positive commandment) based on whether I think it will benefit me. Rather, I elected to live within a certain framework, allowing a little bit of wiggle room where something just doesn't work for me. My primarily reason for making that choice is not my belief in God (which comes and goes, and is tenuous at best) but rather experiential evidence that belonging to a certain type of community, and following a certain lifestyle, is beneficial overall.

But for a specific example, I'll cite observation of Shabbat (the Sabbath), specifically the restrictions. There are thirty-nine categories of "work" prohibited on Shabbat. On a broader scale, these restrictions ensure that for a twenty-five hour period each week, I am not working, not cooking, not shopping, not road-tripping...basically, my life is slowed down, and I have plenty of time to talk to my husband and friends, curl up with a book, go for a leisurely walk, or catch up on sleep. Sure, you could set up "me-time" without a religion telling you to do so (and I strongly encourage everyone to have regularly scheduled time like that). But I think the obligation (and the community pressure to fulfill that obligation) is what makes it work for me. I can't "cheat" just one time to go to the movies or drive to Maine for a Saturday afternoon, and sometimes that's frustrating, but it also means I can't "cheat" and go to work on a Saturday morning, or use up all of my resting time on a Saturday afternoon cooking food for a party that night. On the flip-side, it ensures that many of our friends are all having set-aside time at the same time we are. We frequently share Friday dinners and Saturday lunches, or make plans to meet for dessert, board games, a walk, or whatever. It does bother me that this group (usually) consists only of other observant Jews, but on balance it's still better than not having that group at all.

On the micro scale, where we consider Shabbat restrictions such as not grinding fresh pepper or only heating up certain foods in certain ways, I just generally appreciate the intricacy of the rules. (I'm weird like that.) It forces me to think about all of my actions both during and before Shabbat, to really prepare for this set-aside time. It also makes for good conversation at the dinner table.

2. You've probably seen a lot of spoiled kids, having grown up on Long Island. What, in your opinion, are the best and worst things a wealthy parent can do to raise well-adjusted, self-reliant children?

best: Spend wisely while living just below your means. That doesn't mean that you should deprive yourself and your family of every luxury, but just because you can buy both $200.00 pairs of shoes doens't mean that you should. The best way to teach your children about the value of money (and to live that lifestyle) is to consider the worth of every dollar spent. I can't offer exact examples, because what's worthwhile really varies from situation to situation. It's not as simple as making a budget and socking away money in savings. If an expensive once-in-a-lifetime opportunity comes up, and it's worth the money, you shouldn't forego it just because you don't want your kids to see you spending a large chunk of cash on "fun" all at once. Even regular expenses - yearly trips to Europe or whatever - can be "worthwhile." But buying a fourth car for the household because your two teenagers keep squabbling over who gets the car after school each day? Let them learn to hash it out between themselves.

worst: Either extreme...either giving the kid everything s/he wants all through childhood and young adulthood (no self-reliance if they never have to work for anything), or forcing the children into (relative) poverty to "teach them the value of money" (builds resentment of the parents, and is a financially dumb move besides).

3. When was the first time you genuinely felt religious, as opposed to just repeating what you learned from your family/school/etc.?

Hmmm...I don't know how to answer this question. I can't think of a "first" time, and I don't know what you mean by "religious." I definitely felt an "other" when this happened, but that wasn't the first time. I definitely had such fAnd it didn't make me feel religious, per se, it just made me aware that there was (or is, or could be) Something paying attention to what's happening on a micro level. I get that sort of feeling every now and then, and (usually) I like it.

[I bounced back and forth about whether to put this paragraph here or in the answer to question #1. -s] I have positive associations with many of the rituals and observances in my life. Is that "feeling religious?" Most of the time, however, observances, restrictions, and prayers feel routine, but I do them anyway because I feel personally obligated to, or because I know that on balance I will prefer to have stayed within the rules whenever possible rather than picking and choosing as is comfortable for me...is that "feeling religious?"

4. If you and Julian were able to move back to New York and maintain the same standard of living that you do in Boston, would you?

Two years ago, yes, but now school concerns are a bigger issue for us. (No, I'm not pregnant, but we're anal over-planners.) Generally, we are not thrilled with the Jewish day school options in NY; there are too many of them, and that means that each school is so narrowly tailored to a particular philosophy that your children never meet anyone different from themselves. (I'm oversimplifying, but whatever.) We're not 100% certain our children will go to a Jewish high school...we may switch them to public school after eighth grade; it's a decision we'll make on a case-by-case basis with input fromt he child iin question. But religious elementary school is almost certainly happening, so this is a concern for now.

Retirement, though? It's either Jerusalem or Manhattan, and we both suck at learning second languages, so...

5. Imagine it's your last meal on earth, all dietary restrictions lifted. What will you eat?

I know this is going to disappoint you, Stella, but I don't have any strong urges to eat anything blatantly non-kosher (like pork or lobster or a cheeseburger). I would probably go to a four-star non-kosher restuarant with some world-famous chef, request a tasting menu "without x, y, and z," and feel guilty the entire time.
Maybe. It really is a quality-of-food (and prep) issue for me; even the best kosher restaurants probably match only their mid-to-high end non-kosher counterparts. I might end up sampling non-kosher wines and cheeses, but I don't know. Maybe. I don't keep kosher out of fear of posthumous punishment - I do it because I just think it's the right thing for me to do, and just because it's my last meal on earth wouldn't make it any less right.